


Memories

by Princess_Dom



Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: Character Death, Heavy Angst, Hongjoong is alone, Implied/Referenced Suicide, It's all full of angst, Multi, References to Illness, Why Did I Write This?, everyone is sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-29
Updated: 2020-10-18
Packaged: 2021-03-04 06:53:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 10
Words: 9,885
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24979492
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Princess_Dom/pseuds/Princess_Dom
Summary: "There used to be eight of us... Now, I'm all alone."Hongjoong never expected to lose any of his friends, he never have even thought of it. But now that he is facing it, he didn't know what to do. He always have relied on them, and everyday he remembers every single thing about them.
Relationships: Kim Hongjoong & Everyone
Comments: 4
Kudos: 29





	1. Chapter 1

> _When was the last time you were happy?_
> 
> Seonghwa asked, looking at him straight in the eyes. Hongjoong shuffled in his seat, averting his eyes to look at the fidgeting fingers on his lap.
> 
> It's a simple question. However, Hongjoong felt as if it burdened him. He couldn't even look at Seonghwa as he lies through his teeth.
> 
> _I'm always happy._

That was the first mistake. Hongjoong should have opened up to them, told them of how unhappy he really is. He could have felt their warmth embrace while he still had a chance. Make them understand that he trusts them to keep all his tears.

It was times like this that Hongjoong could really feel the emptiness of what he once called home. A bitter smile stretches on his face as he remembers the memories that bloomed right before him.

He wishes that it was all a lie. That everything is all a sick joke that the company played. That all is just some plan to trick their leader.

Sadly, it isn't.

He sighed, dragging his feet towards the empty couch. He could feel his heart breaking every slowly, as if it's being ripped apart to pieces.

> _"Hongjoong. Come on, you can't keep doing this." Seonghwa pleaded, dragging the stubborn leader out of the studio._
> 
> _"I still need to add a few more touches and I'll be done." Hongjoong struggled at the tight grip of an arm wrapped around his waist._
> 
> _"Can't it be done tomorrow? You need sleep, badly. Everyone is worried about you — I'm worried about you." Hongjoong gave up and instead turned on Seonghwa's arms to bury his face on the older's chest._
> 
> _Seonghwa sighed, running his fingers through Hongjoong's vibrant blue hair._
> 
> _"What would you do without me?"_

Hongjoong let a tear slip out of his eyes, chuckling sadly to his pathetic excuse back then. 

He couldn't even remember the last time that he _didn't_ sleep. He wished he could have taken Seonghwa's advice back then, and spent more time taking care of himself. He wouldn't admit it but he wishes that Seonghwa would still visit his studio late at night and drag his ass back to the dorm where everyone is waiting for him.

Yet, fate really pulled a cruel trick on him. 

> _"Hyung! Loosen up a bit! You need to experience a little fun in life." Yunho took Hongjoong's hands and pulled him up from the floor._
> 
> _"Yunho, it's break time. I want to rest." Hongjoonh whined, trying to stray away from the chaos happening by the middle. As usual, it consists of Wooyoung, San , Mingi and Yunho. Yeosang and Seonghwa — at some point — is even encouraging them to do all this dumb things that Hongjoong wouldn't even think about doing.  
>  _
> 
> _"But-" Yunho pouted when Hongjoong gave him his last warning gaze, "Fine... I'm going to stay with you then!" He smiled brightly at Hongjoong, the leader sighed. There is no point at stopping their energizer, as always. He wanted everyone to cheer up in the midst of the chaos._
> 
> _"Okay."_

He wiped the tears that kept falling down his eyes, before he grabbed a pillow and buried his face on it. 

He could have joined the members' fun when he still had a chance. He could have seen their beaming faces for one last time as they do stupid things together. He should have let himself get dragged by Yunho and get in the middle of whatever was happening then get himseld to loosen up so that they won't worry.

He realized how much things he have never experienced with them. How he missed everything that could have made it all better.

> _"Joong- Are you crying?" Yeosang stopped whatever he is saying and instead walked inside of Hongjoong's studio and wrapped their leader in his arms. "What's wrong?"_
> 
> _"T-there's nothing wrong." Hongjoong hicupped, wiping his tears using his sleeves. He sniffled and hid his face from Yeosang when the other tried to make the leader look up towards him._
> 
> _"Bullshit, hyung. You're crying." Yeosang sighed and insisted of hugging Hongjoong instead of scolding him. Yeosang could feel the wet patch froming on the center of his chest as Hongjoong tightly gripped the younger's clothes and sobbed on his chest. His frame is shaking badly, and Yeosang couldn't do anything but to listen to his cries._
> 
> _"I-I'm sorry. It's just that- I'm just so stressed and..." Yeosang pulled away slightly to place his hand on Hongjoong's cheek._
> 
> _"You have nothing to apologize for." Yeosang said and leaned their foreheads together. Hongjoong couldn't look at his genuine eyes as the younger wrapped their fingers together. "Don't be afraid to open up to us, hyung. This is not any of your fault. You shouldn't beat yourself up."_

A choked sob rang loudly throughout the empty dorm. Hongjoong couldn't stop himself from remembering the comforting words that Yeosang would always tell him. 

He wishes that he could hear the younger's voice whispering comforting words in his ear for one last time. He wishes that Yeosang would be here to wrap his arms around Hongjoong even of how much he shows distaste towards any physical affections.

Hongjoong tightly wrapped his arms around the pillow, imagining it to be Yeosang. He could have listened more to the comforting words back then, he wish he didn't block everything out. 

> _"Hyung." San cracked the door open slightly, letting a ray of light shine in between. Hongjoong hummed, looking up from his laptop as he lay at the bed. "Seonghwa-hyung said you weren't feeling okay. Why are you at your laptop?" San turned the lights on making Hongjoong groan at the sudden brightness of the room. He blinked his eyes multiple times to let it adjust and to see San standing by the door with Shiber in his arms._
> 
> _"I'm just finishing the last few pieces." Hongjoong excused, ignoring how the younger propped himself up on his bed and cuddling Hongjoong at the side._
> 
> _"Cuddle with me and Shiber?" Hongjoong sighed, dragging his fingers through his hair._
> 
> _"I just have to finish this Sannie, be patient." He said, San pouted and instead placed Shiber in front of Hongjoong's face, Hongjoong looked up with an annoyed glare but it quickly vanished when he saw the genuine worry creased over the younger's face._
> 
> _He let a small smile slip in his face, closing his laptop and gesturing the younger for a cuddle. San's eyes lit up and he threw himself at Hongjoong's arms, getting himself comfortable._
> 
> _"I wish you wouldn't beat yourself up over it."_

Hongjoong have long forgotten of the pillow, throwing it at the wall and making the picture frames hanging by there to fall at the floor and shatter into pieces. He didn't pay any attention towards it and pulled his legs up to his chest. He buried his head on his knees, and let his fingers drag at his arms, leaving red scratch marks that Hongjoong would surely regret later.

Yet, he couldn't think of any of that. Not with his thoughts twirling in regret of how he should have stayed awake with San and listen to his stories of how his day went by. It would always have something ridiculous in it, but Hongjoong always find it very entertaining especially when he gets to see San's bright smile.

He shouldn't have ignored him and thought that it's just another cuddle session. He should have thought that San needed someone to listen to him. 

> _"Mingi." Hongjoong gave a stern gaze towards the red-haired who only bowed his head in shame. "I thought I told you to always be careful." He let out a sigh, dragging his hands over his face. "Why couldn't you just be careful!"_
> 
> _"Hyung. Stop it." Wooyoung finally stepped in, his eyes glossy from what seems to be tears. Hongjoong finally noticed how Mingi's figure shake, as he hide his cries from Hongjoong._
> 
> _"Mingi..." Hongjoong tried to reach out but he stopped himself and looked down at the floor. "I'm so sorry..." He said and left the room, leaving Wooyoung and Mingi in the room._
> 
> _Hongjoong couldn't help himself but feel deeply bad and affected. He wishes to be alone and let his anger and guilt subside before facing Mingi. He was never good at comforting and at times like this. He wishes that Seonghwa is there to help Mingi get back to his feet and scold Hongjoong for leaving just like that,_

Another mistake. Hongjoong shouldn't have left Mingi's side and sat by him with hands rubbing the younger's back, apologizing to him and letting it end with a good bye.

But, as always, life isn't always that easy. There is so many things that Hongjoong could have told Mingi. He could have seen more of Mingi's smile lighting up his face when Hongjoong finally makes up with him. 

He failed to do so, and that is killing him more inside.

> _"Hyung, look!" Wooyoung shrieked out, snapping Hongjoong out off his headspace. He turned towards Wooyoung, a frown settling on his face when sees Wooyoung pointing at the window. "A falling star! Quick, hyung. Make a wish!"_
> 
> _"Woo. I don't have time for making wishes. I'm working." Hongjoong said, turning his head away from Wooyoung and got back at typing at his laptop. Wooyoung frowned and shuffled closer at Hongjoong._
> 
> _"Stop working. Let's go out at the park." Hongjoong sighed, ignoring Wooyoung and continued typing. "Hyung."_
> 
> _"I am working Wooyoung." The brown-haired flinched back, frowning even more further._

He should have gave Wooyoung all the time in his world. He could have took a walk in the park, hand in hand with Wooyoung as the other keep pointing at some silly things and making comments at everything he found funny.

At this point, Hongjoong stopped making any noise. The silence deafening the room. His eyes glared at the wall, his fingers sinking into his skin to leave more marks. He didn't move on the couch even when the morning light pouted inside from the window.

> _"Joong-hyung?" Jongho entered the room and quickly notices Hongjoong looking down at their picture frame. "Oh, hyung." Jongho sighed, settling down beside Hongjoong and pulled him into his embrace. Hongjoong let himself lean on the Jongho's chest, his eyes still lingering at the picture frame._
> 
> _"Where did I ever go wrong?" Hongjoong whispered, raising his hand to trace a finger at their picture._
> 
> _"It's not your fault hyung." The leader shook his head and pulled away from Jongho. He didn't look at Jongho. He just wanted to be alone._
> 
> _"Get out." It was harsh, Hongjoong knew that but he knew how much the younger is stubborn about staying._
> 
> _"Hyung-"_
> 
> _"Just, please. Get out." Jongho let his arms fall down on his sides, he felt the other sniffle and stand up from his place._
> 
> _"It's really not your fault. Hyung. Please..." Jongho trailed off, slowly walking out of the door, "Take- Take care of yourself, hyung."_

It was at that time that Hongjoong didn't realize the last goodbye Jongho gave. Hongjoong should have grabbed him, pulled him into his arms and tell him how he doesn't want to let him leave. 

He wanted to go back in time, so bad. To fix everything. To save everyone. 

It used to be 8... Why is he all alone now?


	2. I Miss Your Love

Hongjoong heavily carried himself towards his shared room with Seonghwa. The silence at the dorm stuck out like a sore thumb, it wasn't usually like this and that is something Hongjoong wanted to get his mind off. He have always grown used to having everyone get chaotic around the dorm with Hongjoong getting stressed out at trying to stop them. The hallways would always be messy, and it ends up Seonghwa chasing them with a stick in hand. As of the moment, the hallways is neatly cleaned with nothing that looks out of place.

However, upon entering his room. He could see how messy his room is, clothes are scattered all around the room as if they are thrown around, his notebooks and papers are scattered around his bed from writing the lyrics. His minion stuff toys are lying on Seonghwa's bed, thrown there for the time being as he writes lyrics.

It was a time like this that Hongjoong remembers Seonghwa. He would always clean the room every single time, even when there isn't that much mess. He would keep sweeping and folding his clothes while Hongjoong busily finishes his work on his laptop. He bitterly smiled at that memory.

Hongjoong barely spotted the Toothless dragon plushie that lies on Hongjoong's bed, being surrounded with the papers and notebooks. He took a step, moving the pile of papers on one side and catching the plushie in his hand to look at it.

It was a silly joke around them that Seonghwa looks like Toothless from How To Train Your Dragon, it was something that is kept only to them and their fans. Something to remember him by.

He could feel the lump in his throat build up and the tears — that he desperately tried to shrug off — pool out of his eyes without any warning. He tightly held the plushie in his hand and hugged it as if his life depends on it.

He remember giving this to Seonghwa because of how the older gets himself stressed out especially when it comes to his singing. Hongjoong would always tell him that he looks really beautiful whenever he is singing and Hongjoong couldn't be any more proud when Seonghwa broke through that wall. 

Hongjoong dropped down on the bed, his finger swiping on his phone. Seonghwa's voice filled the room, he sang The Story Never Ends and it was proof that Seonghwa have overcame his insecurities. 

There are so many things that Hongjoong would always remember about Seonghwa, and that includes of how he is the fake maknae of the group even when he is supposed to be a hyung.

Seonghwa would never admit it, but he likes being babied by the members and especially by Hongjoong. It is something that the others would always tease as well, but Hongjoong appreciates how the older would lean on him when he needed to be comforted. Hongjoong will admit, he is never that good at comforting so knowing that someone trusts him makes his heart warm

He remembered their world tour, smiling sadly at the thought of it. He remembered singing Thank U with the members especially sharing it with Seonghwa. They would always find each other by the chorus and hug each other and say that very lyric. It's like saying of how thankful they are for each other, and that would be something that Hongjoong will surely miss when hearing that song once again.

_He misses his love._


	3. I Miss Your Smile

There is always something Yunho always remind Hongjoong. That he picks Seonghwa as his favorite hyung. It was something that would always make Hongjoong chuckle and to joke around with Yunho. It was always a friendly bantering between them, and Yunho never fails to make Hongjoong laugh even when his mood is low.

As everyone said, he is indeed the energizer of the group. He always have a wide bright smile on his face with his cheeks all puffed up. It's cute honestly.

Hongjoong smiled, passing by a golden retriever. It is something that they commonly connect with Yunho. They would always think of Yunho whenever they pass by that type of dog and that is just something that would always remind them.

He thought of adopting a dog to soothe his loneliness, and to feel that they're here, even when they aren't. However, he isn't that responsible of taking care od a pet so instead he bought a golden retriever plushie.

He entered the practice room with a heavy feeling in his chest. He couldn't stop the tears from gathering in his eyes as he remember the times that they practice together, as a team.

He threw down his duffel bag on the table and then turned the computer on. He gulped down the lump on his throat once he started playing their song. _Light._

Hongjoong — and even the fans — would admit that this suits Yunho the most. His voice is astonishing and especially when he smiles while singing the song. He have seen that fancam over and over again on Twitter. He would always tell Yunho that he really is a great singer.

The leader dropped down on the chair, pulling his legs up as he continued to remember all the good times he had with them. When Yunho dances and helps Hongjoong on some difficult parts of the choreography, or when he is always the one starting some shenanigans on the practice room and at the dorm.

Hongjoong chuckled sadly, wiping his tears with the back of his hand. He's wearing Yunho's hoodie that is way too big for him that he looks like he's drowning him. He knews he look like shit but he could care less about it. 

The faint scent of Yunho is still at the hoodie and it makes him miss the giant even more especially when he would give Hongjoong a back hug, completely devouring him in his arms. 

_He misses his smile._


	4. I Miss Your Voice

_"I got a ponytail. I got a_ _ponytai-_ _"_

Hongjoong snapped his head towards the ringtone of his phone. He bit his lips when another memory hits him.

Yeosang always dances to this song, no matter how ridiculous it is. He would always use it to make someone laugh but in reality, it is something that became really special to Hongjoong. Not only that, he also treasured the rabbit — made out of a towel — that Yeosang made for him.

Yeosang was not confident when Hongjoong have first met him. He is always camera shy and would think badly of himself. That's why the younger volunteered to have less lines on their songs because he wasn't confident. 

That's why Hongjoong would always be there for Yeosang. To support him, to guide him and to help him improve.

He often remembers when Yeosang would shyly enter Hongjoong's studio, a paper in hand. His lips are formed in a pout while asking Hongjoong to help him get the notes right for the song that he wants to record for the fans. 

He wasn't able to answer the phone and instead searched for Yeosang's cover of Me After You. He let Yeosang's voice fill the silence of his studio.

_"In the dazzling morning.  
I open my eyes by thinking of you.  
I sit face to face with you at the table."_

Hongjoong could feel the heaviness of his heart hearing Yeosang's voice for one last time. He clutched his chest, letting the tears on his face fall down.

_"I ask about your day,  
Or my day was pretty good.  
I want to answer with a smile."_

His voice so gentle and warm filled Hongjoong's ears, feeling as if Yeosang is there singing to him. As if they're together once again to practice the song together. 

_"When we understand each other about little things.  
I was surprised with the fact that we got used to each other."_

"I love you." Hongjoong croaked out, his arms wrapping itself around his body. He let the song continue but Hongjoong felt as if he is being travelled back to the time where all of them are still together. 

The song ended and Hongjoong could barely move an inch from his seat because of the exhaustion on crying for many days. He wasn't able to tell Yeosang that he looks up to him, because of how hardworking he is and how passionate he is to singing and dancing. That he is talented and beautiful.

_He misses his voice._


	5. I Miss Your Warmth

Hongjoong almost tripped on his feet when he entered San and Mingi's room. His eyes casting down towards the multiple of plushies that decorated the floor and the bed. Hongjoong chuckled because he knew this is what San loves to do — collecting plushies and stuffed toys. He would always tell everyone how he had bought another plushie or when he have received a gift from a fan. He loves to brag and hug every single plushie he has.

But the most that something Hongjoong would remember San by is from his treasured plushie. Shiber. San would always carry Shiber everywhere, even at the practice room. Hongjoong always tell San that he can keep bringing Shiber and that he really doesn't mind even when it gets dirty on their way.

Even so, Hongjoong still haven't washed it as it still has a faint scent on it that reminds him of San and he never wants to get rid of it.

He brought it back to his room and sat it between the toothless plushie and the golden retriever plushie. The rabbit is also sitting next to the plushies.

He remembered that San often looks down on himself. He has a low self-esteem and would always thought of himself as a burden to the team. Hongjoong heavily disagrees with that because he can see how San is always active at learning, and how much he gives effort to every single thing. 

Hongjoong would always tell that to San, even when he keeps denying it. He would always tell him that Atiny's would always, always look up to him for his devotion at being an idol. Even when the haters say that he is dancing too aggressively, Hongjoong will completely disagree with that. San always wanted to put the best performance for Atiny's, that's how much he loves and treasures everyone who appreciates him.

There is so many things that have changed since their debut, and that includes San's appearance and self-esteem. He used to have a baby face that Hongjoong would often find himself poking at, and he is very timid back then. Stuttering over his words from the nervousness when a camera is on him or whenever one of the staffs or directors talk to him. He is proud to say that San have a visible glow-up. 

As much as Hongjoong misses his baby face, he can't help but feel really proud when he see San with a sharp jawline and a sheer of confidence radiating off of him. He became as active as Wooyoung, being friendly with everyone and not being afraid at speaking up. There are so many things that Hongjoong looks up to him.

He always have a warm heart that the others often sees, it is something that made San really great. He always look out for every single people in his life and he values them just as much. 

_He misses his warmth._


	6. I Miss Your Talent

There is something that Hongjoong really opposes to — and that is people saying that Mingi is dumb. He is far from that! Hongjoong would shout it in the whole world if he could, because Mingi is the smartest person he could ever have met.

He might not show too much of his knowledge but Hongjoong knew that Mingi is always observant and know about things that Hongjoong doesn't even know. He composes music, writes his own rap and heck! Hongjoong sometimes ask for his help. There are just so many thing that would say that 'Mingi is a freaking genius!'

However, he doesn't act much like it because he doesn't want to overshadow anyone. Mingi is such a charmer. He would keep attracting people's attention even if he never intended to. It doesn't matter if it's because of his dance, appearance, rap, cuteness or humor but he surely will attract anyone. 

Some would often even say that they feel intimidated with Mingi, but Hongjoong would completely roll his eyes at that and say 'no' loudly. Mingi can never be intimidating on Hongjoong's eyes, I mean have you seen how he acts cute every single damn time? He always love to tease Hongjoong and hug him from behind. Hongjoong could never admit it to him, but he loves getting backhugged by him

Hongjoong picked up a giraffe plushie that a fan have gifted for him. Something that they would always compare Mingi to. Hongjoong remembers having to spend the zoo with them and to take a picture to an animal that looks like them. He suddenly felt nostalgic seeing their smiles on their faces.

The leader sighed, picking himself up from the backstage after having a fan meeting by himself. His hand is tightly carrying the giraffe plushie to add to his collection. He even fought with it from the staff because they were about to take it away.

Once he have entered the dorm, he trudged directly towards his room to gently put the giraffe down to his line of plushies. He, then, sat down and took his phone out. 

He listened to all of the drafts that Mingi have made, including the orange juice rap that the fans and the members would always bring up. It's really ridiculous but it would always make Hongjoong laugh out loud, especially when it's Mingi who is rapping it.

He slid down on the bed, pulling his leg up and lying down neatly. He scrolled through Twitter, remembering how Mingi would pronounce it. So many simple things really reminded him of the members, and it has been months since it happened.

Hongjoong dropped the phone down and stared right back up at the white ceiling wishing all of this to have been a dream.

_He misses his talent._


	7. I Miss Your Laugh

Wooyoung have always been the loud one between all of the members. He would often be seen with wide smile on his face, but that would vanish when he's on stage and show off the sexy aura he have been hiding.

All of that always made Hongjoong remember how Wooyoung always wants to be happy all the time. With his motto in life being, "Let's be happy." He knew that the younger wants everyone around him to cheer up and be positive in all things.

He wouldn't have met Wooyoung if it weren't for Yeosang. The two have been attached to their hips for as long as Hongjoong remembers — being the one who have been the first one among them on the company — he could barely even remember the time when all of them first met. One thing for sure, he wants to keep repeating the moment when they first met. To treasure it, and to treasure them.

Their first win, it was something that Wooyoung always keep bringing up. It's very special to him, and Hongjoong could feel the same way. He remember the tears of joy that run down his face, and he could barely even stop the tears from falling down. It really is something to remember. Wooyoung kept crying even after they got home then minutes later he'll be shrieking out that they won.

One thing that Hongjoong loves the most is to hear Wooyoung's laugh. Which the fans said that it sounds like a hyena, in return Hongjoong bought a hyena doll to remember him by and placed it with the other plushies. Although there are many things that reminds him of Wooyoung, he thought that it might make him get cheered up and hear Wooyoung's laugh replay in his head.

There is another thing that Hongjoong misses the most about Wooyoumg and that is his stage aura. It would always make Hongjoong shiver in anticipation on how Wooyoung could take over the stage. He would always watch fancams of Wooyoung on the internet, and he is always saddened at the fact when that it has been viewed the least.

He talked about this before — that he didn't like seeing a fancam of himself because of the views, that's why whenever Hongjoong has the time, he would watch Wooyoung fancams. He never wants to see a frown on the younger's face even when he is the most brattiest member. He always appreciate everything that Wooyoung does.

_He misses his laugh._


	8. I Miss Your Shine

Hongjoong, for some reason, always look up to Jongho for being mature at a young age. Not like Hongjoong is not mature, it's just that it's something to be proud of. He always look at the perspectives in an adult's eyes but he would also understand a kid's point of view. 

The maknae always hated cuddles or any physical affections towards him — which Hongjoong knows is a lie — He would always shrug the member off of him, but in all honesty, Jongho very much like the attention on him. 

Not only does his cuteness of being a maknae makes Hongjoong love him more, it's also his singing voice. It would always keep making Hongjoong astonished by how high the notes that the younger could hit. 

Of course, that doesn't mean he always had this high pitch voice. There are times that Jongho struggled with his vocal cords, especially back before their debut. Jongho would often practice at the studio alone and play the guitar while singing. He would always crack his voice, making mistakes at some point then he'll beat himself up over it.

That's why Hongjoong have been always there for him, to show him that he's not alone and that he shouldn't be afraid of opening up. Jongho have always been closed off, much like Yeosang but he had his reasons. Hongjoong understood him, he waited by his side, gave him some advice and kept believing in him. Hongjoong never gave up on Jongho, and he never will.

What Hongjoong also loves the most is the innocent bright smile that the younger would flash. It's really a beautiful that Hongjoong wishes to treasure forever. He completely fell in love with it when Hongjoong have first witnessed it. 

With that, he also looks up at Jongho for having the most strength on the team. He even boughr a pillow shaped as a apple to always remember Jongho. He have put it aside besides the plushies. It's something that would always tease Jongho about, and he remember that he always get himself carried by Jongho so easily that sometimes its scares him.

Hongjoong thanked the worker behind the counter, hand gripping the drink in his hand. He have been hanging around the cafe for too long. He always order the same thing, a iced americano. He doesn't like it in the first place, but he grew to love it overtime as he remembers how much Jongho always drink it. 

_He misses his shine._


	9. Chapter 9

Everyday, Hongjoong wishes that it's all some silly prank that the members are playing but he knew better than that. He saw it with his own two eyes as they disappear one by one in front of him.

A splash of a tear ran down on the picture frame being held in his hand. He sniffled and used his free hand to wipe the tears that continuously ran down on his face.

He settled the picture frame onto the table in front of him. He have been sitting inside of his studio for what has been like years but in reality, only has been months.

Months. They're gone now. They have been gone for months and Hongjoong just started feeling the loneliness. How more longer could he take before he starts losing his posture?

He sniffled again and try to take his mind off of it. He clicked on Spotify, mindlessly clicking on the play button without knowing the song that will start playing.

Hongjoong froze, the voices of the boys filling the silent air of the studio. In an instant, he let out a choked sob and tried to cover his face with the black hoodie all of them loves so much. It was the hoodie made for all of them and Hongjoong have all of their hoodies settled on his closet only to be worn over and over again.

There used to be eight of them... Now, Hongjoong sat alone in front of the many audiences who have the same teary eyes and heavy feelings in their heart. He sat alone, listening continuously to their voice through the speakers. He sat alone reminiscing all the memories they once had. 

He sat alone, missing all of the things he once had. 

Their love. 

Their smiles.

Their voices. 

Their cuddles. 

Their never ending talents. 

Their laugh. 

Their shine.

And their presence...

"Eight makes one team... Fighting!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi :>
> 
> You can check out my other stories on Wattpad, but I'm mostly going to post it here anyways.  
> Kudos and comments are much appreciated <3
> 
> Wattpad: Princess_Dom  
> Ig: xprncss_dom


	10. Memories

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW ━☆ﾟ.*・｡ﾟ Suicide, illnesses, blood, death and accidents.

Hongjoong could barely keep his hand still from shaking, seeing a question that taunts him. He took a deep breath and held his head high up to confront the fan as if receiving this question does not bother him but the pain in his heart gave away his true feelings.

"Is... Is it too personal? I can change the question. I'm sorry." The fan cowered on her seat, holding out her hand to take back the piece of paper he is tightly gripping. Hongjoong vigorously shook his head to deny her concerns and put on a small smile to calm the nerves of the fan.

"It's okay." He pressed his lips in a thin line, blinking his eyes to avoid the tears from being evident. "It is time for me to reveal what truly happened to them." He shakily let out a breath, closing his eyes tightly as the haunting memories played back in his mind.

It has been exactly a year since Hongjoong has shown up in front of the public. Plenty of questions have been thrown at him as soon as he steps foot out in the public, still he kept his mouth shut in hopes for it to pass by silently. Although, he knew that he can no longer avoid it. It's just not acceptable to find that all the members disappeared with Hongjoong only the one appearing in the public. The company covered it up as a reason of them having a vacation at each other's hometown, that's why there is a lack of update from the other members in the social media.

Yet, Hongjoong knew that it cannot just be passed as that. Especially when they released a statement of an accident that is too big to be avoided or when the comments are full of witnesses of another accident that the company desperately tried to cover up.

It only brought Hongjoong shame, knowing that the fans are kept in the dark, knowing that the members are truly gone. He tried arguing to the company to just let it be. Let the fans know, and when they finally told the truth to the public, so many fans raised a campaign for support.

"What happened to the members?" He knew that he would sooner get this question, especially when he is hosting the last fan sign all by himself. They did not release the reason behind the death of the members, not wanting to be called names for being the only person remaining.

Hongjoong took a deep breath, "It all started from Seonghwa." He thought of the day when he found out what Seonghwa is going through.

_Seonghwa has been acting differently for weeks. He constantly keeps making mistakes at the dance, he disappears just right after practice ended, and he has been eating very little as well. Hongjoong should have taken note of the pale face that Seonghwa is sporting that very day at the practice room. He should have checked on him right away to know what is wrong._

_It was late at night. It has been particularly an exhausting day, and everyone just wants to go home at that point. However, a particular harsh cough brought them out of their head space and let their attentions divert towards Seonghwa who has his hand covering his mouth with his upper body leaning forward._

_Wooyoung immediately took Seonghwa's side and patted his back gently, shooting a worried glance towards Hongjoong. They slowly attended Seonghwa towards the couch in their practice room as he continues to cough too harshly for Hongjoong to overlook it._

_"Hwa?" Seonghwa shook his head, trying to deny being seen at such state he is in. Hongjoong gently pulled Seonghwa's hand away, his eyes falling down to see droplets of blood in the hand that had been covering his mouth._

_"Hyung!" San latched himself towards Seonghwa, worry, concern and fear painted on his face as he gently massages the back of Seonghwa's neck. "Are you... are you okay?" Seonghwa slowly shook his head._

_"I- I can't breathe properly." That's when Hongjoong finally took notice of the excessive sweating, trembling hands and the way he breathes deeply to take an intake of air. "I... I" Before they knew it, Seonghwa blacked out as the rest of them panics and ran to call their managers._

_Hongjoong kept Seonghwa securely close to him, pleading him to wake up at the fear of something bad that might happen and before they knew it, he is being rushed towards the hospital._

_"He has been diagnosed of malignant neoplasm that he left untreated. It is cancerous, and the more time that he had taken to ignore the signs causes the cancerous cells to divide and multiply which causes the tumor to become larger and invaded the tissues and other parts of his body." Hongjoong could only stare blankly at the wall as the doctor continues to explain, "The cancer has vitally damaged an important organ that... I'm sorry to say... Led him to his death."_

_When reality struck, it was as if his world came crashing down. He sank down further onto the floor at the news that came so unexpectedly. He lost him._

"I learned to love myself." Hongjoong sadly smiled, "Because of him, I learned how to love myself. He always reminds me of how perfect I am and if it weren't for him... I just... I don't know..." He hid his face behind his hands, his shoulder tensing at knowing how close he is at breaking down.

"I should have learnt from that experience. I was too dumb! Too selfish... that I forgot to take care of the members." He curled his hand into a fist, tempted to hit himself in the head repeatedly. "I should have kept an eye on them then maybe... maybe this won't happen."

“I should have learnt.” He looked down on the curled fists sitting in his lap, feeling the burning sensation of the tears stinging in his eyes. “I lost Yeosang, we lost Yeosang because we didn’t keep an eye on him.”

_Hongjoong doesn’t remember the last time that he left the room nor does he remember how many people entered the room. It felt as if he is lost in an endless loop of despair, everything blurring around him._

_“Hyung.” San peeked inside of the room, eyes glossy with sadness. “Hyung, Yeosangie is sick but he doesn’t want to take a rest.” Now, that took Hongjoong’s attention. He nodded at San, standing up to follow in pursuit of the younger towards Yeosang’s room._

_“I told you I’m okay!” Hongjoong could hear the vague voice of Yeosang on the other side of the door, “You don’t have to worry about me. It’s only a fever.” The leader walked inside of the room, seeing a pale face looking back at him and Hongjoong almost broke down at the sudden memory of Seonghwa’s pale face looking back at him._

_“Yeosang.” Hongjoong gestured the others to walk out of the room as he makes his way towards Yeosang’s bed where he is sitting on. “You should listen to them, it’s much better to rest when sick, right?” He smiled softly at Yeosang, hand falling to intertwine their fingers to each other._

_“But, I’m okay! I can stand up and I don’t need anyone always looking after me even when I just go to the bathroom!” Yeosang sighed, “I just… I don’t want to worry anyone so I didn’t tell when I’m not feeling good until Woo cuddled with me and noticed that I’m burning up.” Hongjoong skimmed his eyes at his face, softening at the teary eyes that looked back up on him._

_“It’s much more worrying when you hide the fact you’re sick.” Yeosang flinched, the thought of Seonghwa crossing their minds. It has been exactly a week since his passing, and none of the members could still accept the fact that he’s gone. Maybe, that’s why Yeosang got sick as he isn’t eating too well nor is he sleeping much._

_“I know.” His voice lowered, “I-I’m okay. Really. It’s not much to worry.”_

_“Okay, just tell us as soon as possible if you’re feeling much worse than now.” Yeosang nodded, biting his lips and averting his eyes from Hongjoong’s stern gaze towards him. “Do you want someone to accompany you or…?”_

_“No, I’m fine alone.” He nodded, feeling a bit dejected at the rejection of comfort but nonetheless understood the younger’s emotion. He stood up, patting Yeosang’s head before leaving the room to see Wooyoung and San waiting by the hallway._

_“Is he okay?” Wooyoung quickly intervened just as Hongjoong closed the door on the shared room. “Should I go in? I should give him company whil-“_

_“He wants to be alone.” Hongjoong smiled sadly at the duo. “He’s doing well though, but just in case, we’ll keep an eye on him.”_

_Maybe, they should have done their job well. If they did keep an eye on him at all times, it wouldn’t have happened. It was unexpected. It was cruel for all of them see such a sight._

_Precisely two days have passed since Yeosang came out of the room and it’s worrying the members. Hongjoong had knocked on the door and asked for Yeosang, yet no reply came back to them. That is, until they finally had enough and barged inside of the room just to see a sight that they could never forget._

_Hongjoong could only stare in shock, hand flying up to cover his mouth as his face morphed into pain and sadness. His shaky legs could not handle holding himself up, falling down on the floor with a loud thud. He could feel the tears running down his face continuously watching as Wooyoung cradle the body and cried out for help._

_“Yeosang, please! Please…” Wooyoung let a sob rack out, holding Yeosang’s lifeless form into his arms. “Please… Please… Yeosang, Sangie… Please…”_

_It scarred them, seeing the lifeless look of Yeosang staring up at the ceiling, seeing the puddle of blood surrounding Yeosang. He should have taken responsible of it, for the death of his friend. He left him alone, knowing that he is not in the best condition. He wishes that he could have been there to save Yeosang from the unexpected accident._

_“The front of his skull has been cracked open badly, letting the blood drain out in the span of two days of being left alone open.” Hongjoong stared at the floor, his body buzzing with every emotions that he wants to just let out. If they checked on him immediately, then maybe they could still have saved Yeosang. “He lost too much blood, and we tried our best to recover him. I’m sorry to inform you but it was death on arrival.”_

_Just like that, another beautiful flower has been plucked out from the very garden that Hongjoong have been dearly trying to protect._

“Yeosang is great comfort to all of us. Even when he’s quiet and reserved, he always makes sure that all of us are doing well.” Hongjoong could somewhat still hear Yeosang’s voice singing to him, “He would always compliment me every time he gets, and both of us managed to love our own imperfections, voices and everything…”

“He, and San. Both of them are the greatest comfort we could ever had.” He tightly shut his eyes, “And we lost both.”

_“I can’t do this anymore.” San curled up into a ball, hugging Shiber tightly in his arms. “Hyung, I- This is a nightmare.” Hongjoong wrapped an arm around San, tightly holding him while he let the boy sob loudly._

_“It’s going to be okay, San.” Hongjoong stared right ahead, letting his tears flow freely because he knew that it is not okay. It is never going to be okay. “We’re going to be okay.” He stifled his own cries, holding San closer to him._

_Yunho entered his shared room with San, quickly cuddling up to the both of them before letting themselves cry on his shoulders. Perhaps, Hongjoong thought everything will be finally fine, thinking that maybe the world is not that cruel to them._

_A month has passed ever since the death of the two members, and they are still not doing well. Especially Wooyoung, that’s why Hongjoong kept more of an eye on him. However, he made a mistake of letting the others off the hook._

_“Hyung!” Yunho came swerving inside of Hongjoong’s room, letting the older look up from a picture frame that he is holding. “Hyung… San… San is gone!”_

_Hongjoong’s head swirled with a lot of thoughts, worry and concern washing over him._

_“What do you mean he’s gone?”_

_“He- he…” Yunho held out his hand where a crumpled envelope is placed onto it, his hand shaky as he awaits for Hongjoong to take it from him._

_His heart began to beat fast as soon as he took the envelope on Yunho’s hand, slowly opening it to take out a piece of paper that is addressed to them._

_‘To: ATEEZ’ Hongjoong took a deep breath, unfolding the piece of paper. ‘I love all of you. I’m sorry that I chose to give up.’ Hongjoong let the paper fall out of his hand, crumbling down on the floor with his hand covering his lips and let another sob rack out of his exhausted body._

_“He… He…” He felt a warm hand placed on his back, looking up to see Wooyoung crying then wrapping an arm around Hongjoong. He looked over Wooyoung’s shoulder to see the others wrapping each other as comfort._

_“He’s gone.”_

_The manager came to them, informing that the police went to him after finding San’s body. Unmoving, unconscious, lifeless. He left, after making sure that all of them have moved to at least eat and rest._

“I used to hate skin ships.” Hongjoong shook his head, grabbing a pillow to tightly clutch into and bury his head on. “But San, he made me feel warm from his cuddles. Made me feel safe from everything. He was too kind, his heart is too kind to experience this.”

“I should have kept an eye on him! I’m so stupid.” He crossed his arm with the pillow in between, letting his fingernails dig into his arms and leaving a red trail behind. “I’m so stupid…”

“Then… Then… Mingi and Yunho quit together. I begged them not to go. I cried my eyes out and kept holding onto them. What I didn’t know… I should have forced them not to go… They ended up just like San… I hate it… I hate that I lost both in one day…”

_Mingi and Yunho have always been attached to one another. Finding comfort to one another. They have always relied on each other. Hongjoong should have known they were planning something. He should have realized sooner._

_It was about midnight when Hongjoong could hear the sounds of creaking footsteps from the dorm. He is wide awake, unable to sleep for the nightmares that may come to haunt him. He peeked outside of the door, his eyes puffy, hair sticking out in all places, nose runny and red._

_“Where are you two going?” Hongjoong asked, noticing the two familiar silhouettes of the members by the front door. “What are you doing?” He turned on the light from the living room, seeing Yunho and Mingi lowering their head in shame and their hands tightening on the duffel bag that both of them are holding._

_“You… Both of you are leaving?” Hongjoong asked, stepping towards them. Yunho bit his lips and looked down, intertwining his fingers with Mingi._

_“I’m sorry hyung.” Mingi could only say those words, the guilt running down his bones. “We’re so sorry…” Hongjoong shook his head in disbelief, launching himself to hold Yunho’s wrist._

_“Why… Why are you doing this? Why are you leaving? Don’t…” Yunho shook off the grip on his wrist, turning away from Hongjoong. “Yunho… Mingi… Where…”_

_“We quitted.” Hongjoong’s heart shattered into pieces, “We’re leaving. We can’t do it anymore.”_

_“But… All of us are here! We can help each other…”_

_“Hyung.” Hongjoong looked up at Yunho’s shiny eyes. “We love you, you know that right?” Hongjoong parted his lips, but nothing came out as the tears freely flow down his face. “Please don’t cry… We hate seeing you cry, hyung.”_

_“Then don’t leave… Please, Mingi… Yunho…”_

_Mingi pulled away from Yunho and wrapped his arms around Hongjoong, “You love us, right?” Hongjoong nodded, “You have to let us go.” He clutched onto Mingi’s shirt, pshaking his head to disagree._

_“No, please. Please don’t leave. Please!” Hongjoong tightened his hold onto Mingi, but they managed to pull him away from them. They both ran away, Hongjoong calling out them to stop._

_“We love you hyung!” Yunho turned towards Hongjoong, waving his hands up with a bright smile. “Take care of the members for us.” The smile continued to stay there even when Hongjoong could see the glistening tears on his cheeks._

_He should have chased them. Maybe, they would still be here. He should have kept holding on and not let his exhaustion get the best of him._

“Mingi is my partner in making music.” Hongjoong smiled bitterly, “Yunho is the one who always cheers us up.” He leaned forwards to take something from behind the camera then let a picture frame slide into view.

“They left this. With a note stuck from behind.” Hongjoong let the picture of eight of them show, they were goofing around in the picture. Wide smiles on their faces. “They… They jumped off a cliff together… They were… The witnesses said… They were holding each other tightly… Hands intertwined with a picture of the eight of us both in their hands…”

“The note… It said to keep the smiles on our faces and that we should continue to show our talents to the world…” Hongjoong bit his lip harshly, “How could we continue without them?” He shook his head, laughing hollowly. “How could I ever continue without the team that I swore I would protect?”

“I was too far down, I forgot that I still have Wooyoung and Jongho. They are too young to experience this cruelty. I wish… I should have… I could have saved Wooyoung!”

_How one devastating event continuously follows until all of them are too bruised?_

_They locked themselves up, to the point that their manager have to drag the three of them out so that they can eat. The company are the ones handling everything to cover up the deaths of the members._

_Hongjoong thought to himself that maybe they were cursed. He shouldn't believe that but at this point, he had no one to blame but himself and the world._

_He took all the blame. He drowned himself in darkness until it was too late._

_That day, the managers were told to stay at the company for the sake of helping in calming down the desperate fans that wants to know the truth. That day, Hongjoong never came out of the room as he cries himself all day long._

_He did not get up to eat, he did not shower, and he did not do anything but lie down and cry. No one latched onto him to ask if he's okay. No one came into the room to drag him out to eat._

_Hongjoong knew that he should be taking care of himself. That the maknaes are also grieving for the death of the members, of their friends, of their family. He should have taken consideration of how heavy the burden of knowing that the people they love are gone. They were young. They should have not be experiencing this, and yet Hongjoong did not thought of it and kept weeping at the room he used to share with Seonghwa._

_"Hyung! Hyung!" A particular loud sob startled Hongjoong out of the dazed state he is in and immediately sprinted outside of his room. His heart is beating too fast and it felt as if the air had been knocked out of him._

_"Wooyoung... Hyung! Please do something!" Jongho pleaded, trying his best to wake Wooyoung up from his unconscious state. Hongjoong fumbled for his phone, calling the ambulance with shaky hands and a breaking heart._

_They didn't want to accept it. Accept the fact that Wooyoung is gone as well. Hongjoong clutched Jongho tightly as the younger sobbed loudly at his chest, the fear of losing one another became much too strong._

_Wooyoung killed himself that day. Choosing to take pills after pills until he could no longer breathe and chose to sleep forever._

_"We found this in his room." The manager looked as if he had not been sleeping for days but Hongjoong could only guess that they look much worse than him. "I'm sorry." Hongjoong shook his head._

_"Don't apologize. It's my fault for not keeping an eye..." Hongjoong bit his lips to stop himself from breaking down. He felt someone squeeze his hand, his eyes locking at the maknae who could only do nothing but hug Hongjoong._

_"I am in too much deep. I was losing my mind every single day. I can't take it anymore. I'm sorry for being selfish. I'm sorry for not confining to the two of you. But the pain is too much heavy for me to handle. I lost myself hyung. My heart, it's going to give up and I chose to take the easy way out. I'm sorry that I have to leave. I just wanted to see them again, I can't afford to be without them. I can't do it even when I know that I still have the two of you. Hongjoong-hyung. Jongho. Please take care. I love you. Goodbye."_

_"You... You idiot..." Hongjoong broke down, his arms tightly securing itself around Jongho. Scared that he might disappear as well._

“I’m a failure!” Hongjoong sobbed out, “I should have stood as someone who can they lean on… I- I failed as a hyung… as leader… as friend…” He looked up to the camera with broken look, “I miss his laugh. It is one that always makes me laugh, no matter what.”

“I lost that laugh, and it haunts me to this day that I failed to save him.” He took a few deep breaths, looking at the sight of himself looking back.

“Jongho have been forced to go back home. We… We had an argument before he left… It was another stupid mistake I made, I had the chance to not let go…”

_“Hyung…” Hongjoong looked up with blurry eyesight, “Hyung… I-“ Hongjoong took notice of the luggage sitting behind him and he stood up in, his eyes widening in disbelief._

_“You… You’re leaving me too?” Hongjoong hated the way his voice spoke out vulnerably. “Jongho…”_

_“I was… I was forced hyung! I- I also didn’t want this…”_

_“Then, why didn’t you reject?!” All the anger lashed out of Hongjoong, clenching his fists tightly, “You… You didn’t want to stay with me… Isn’t that it…?” Jongho shook his head, letting go of the luggage and placing a hand on Hongjoong’s shoulder._

_“No hyung! I- I don’t want to leave you… I tried to stop them… I tried to stay with you. I promise you that hyung!” Hongjoong pushed Jongho away, hugging himself with his head bow down._

_“Just go, leave me like everybody did.”_

_“Hyung-“_

_“JUST GO!_ ” _Hongjoong slightly looked up to see Jongho with a hurt expression painted on his face, he closed his mouth and nodded mutely._

_“I’m sorry…”_

_“Leave.” When Jongho left the room, Hongjoong broke down into a sob. Cursing himself for letting his anger get the best of him. He kept hugging himself, nails burying on his arms and left a mark. He cried out, cried out for whatever God that may be listening to him._

_Yet, just as many times of how he wishes for the younger to be safe, even on how many times he prayed for the people he loves to be safe. No matter what… It never got through._

_Not when the manager dropped the news on him of Jongho and his parents got into a plane crash. Not when, Jongho is lying down with injuries and in a coma on the hospital. Not when the heart monitor fell into a straight line before he could even say goodbye._

_Alone. He is all alone. The once strangers that became a family in his life are all gone. It’s all his fault. He continuously blamed himself. He had a chance but he took it for granted._

“I was too ignorant. Too selfish that I made the mistake of letting them go. I… My selfishness brought me too lose the people I love, and treasure. Because of my own desire to be saved in this cruel world. I’m the one to blame for letting them go… I should have… I could have saved them, I could have been holding their hands now, and I could have been laughing with them. I… I miss them… I miss them so much…”

“Eight make… Eight…”

_“Eight makes one team!” Hongjoong froze upon hearing the familiar voices reach his ears. He slowly looked up, seeing the familiar seven faces that he grew fond of. He couldn’t help but drop down on the floor, bowing down and holding his hands together._

_“Ya! Hyung, stand up!” Wooyoung shouted, pulling Hongjoong onto his knees until he is face-to-face with Wooyoung. “Please stop crying.” Wooyoung moved over to let Seonghwa kneel down in front of Hongjoong, holding a hand on both of his cheeks and squishing it together._

_“Joong-ah.” He almost broke down at hearing Seonghwa’s voice, “Don’t do anything stupid.” Seonghwa lightly chuckled, wiping the tears of the leader using his thumb._

_“I forgive you, hyung.” He looked up towards Jongho. “Please don’t let it weight you down. Because I will always forgive you hyung.”_

_“Hyung.” He turned his eyes towards Mingi, “Keep continuing to make music… For us, for ATEEZ.”_

_“Remember hyung,” Yeosang dropped down beside Seonghwa. “We may not be there physically, but we’ll always guide you spiritually.”_

_“And!” Yunho cuts off, squishing himself in between Yeosang and Seonghwa then pointed at Hongjoong’s left chest where his heart is located. “We will always stay inside here.” He felt warmth embrace him, his body recognizing San’s heat._

_“We love you so much hyung! You’re the best leader!”_

“Thank you…” Hongjoong held his head up to face the painting of his family, his friends, and his group. “Thank you.” For years, he let a smile bloom on his face, turning around to see seven smiling faces waving at him before goofing around and running towards him to embrace him.

Physically, they may not be there but Hongjoong knew that they are watching over him, that they are always embracing him just as they promised. It will always be the eight of them together.

_End._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This has been a journey. I cried whilst I was writing this. 
> 
> This took me a while to write, as I am slowly losing motivation to write. I'm not okay as we speak but I will be soon <3 
> 
> I want all of you to always remind yourselves that someone will always be here for you, I will always be here for you and listen to you. If you feel like giving up, reach out to someone. Love you all.


End file.
